...with visions of broomsticks, stuck in his head.

So it's almost Christmas, and the Christmas specials abound. The other day, 'Frosty the Snowman' was on TV.
My oldest turned to me and said "You know, Mom, I always thought the song was 'with a broomstick in his head'."
"Why on earth would you think the broomstick should be in his head?"
"I dunno. Maybe he was being chased by a lady who got creeped out by him when she was sweeping."
I couldn't help it. I giggled. Maybe this is just part of the mindset when raising boys?

And for the rest of the day, I could crack everyone up by singing absently "...with a broomstick in his head..."

Admit it, you know you've got the tune running through your head now. With visions of broomsticks.

Keep moving forward.... The alternative is to stop.

Well, haven't updated in a while.
I think I mentioned before that I never promised to, and since no one really reads this anyways, it shouldn't matter.

We are back from Disneyworld. Had a marvellous time, reduced the stress levels a bit, maybe, for a while, but I think I still get way too stressed way too easily.

Still working on the diabetes, have decided to ignore the other health issues. My doctor seems to think that since she's run some tests and ruled out some big stuff there's no reason to try and figure out what's going on. Her favorite theory seems to be that it's all in my head. I tend to disagree, but since arguing and fighting and chasing more inconclusive tests does not help my stress level, and raising the stress level does not seem helpful in any way, I am going to ignore the rest of it until it prevents me from carrying on with other aspects of my life.

Love my kids, they are both growing up way too fast, and deliberately each had an additional birthday in the past few months just to rub it in my face.

Updates.

I am still struggling with issues related to my health, while adding a few new wrinkles to the mix, but I don't fell like talking about that now.

Just wanted to brag that we are going to Disneyworld tomorrow, and staying for a whole week!! I might let you know about the trip after we get back, or I may go several more months without blogging and never mention it again. I'll decide later.

:raspberry:

Stress. Stress?? Maybe not.

There is a lot of talk about stress, de-stressing, effects on your mood, your health, your well-being.
What types of things stress you out?

For health and other reasons, I have been trying to evaluate the stresses in my life, but I seem to just get more confused.

Stress can be good, or bad. Too much stress is definitely a bad thing, but then probably too little stress is not good either.

My workload on the job lately has been very erratic - lots of long, slow periods with nothing much to do, and then bursts of a bunch of things to do all at once. The slow times seemed nice at first, and after a real rush of busyness it helps to have a few moments to relax again. But when the slow periods go on for too long the day seems to drag by and take forever. A certain amount of workload (I guess I'm relating workload to stress, here) helps because I feel productive and valuable and challenged. But too much workload especially with deadlines added in obviously equates to negative stress. Failure to meet those deadlines, unhappy clients, not producing my best work because I'm rushed, - all of these negatively impact my mood, my self-image, and ultimately my health.

But so much of stress - at work, as well as outside of work - is related to mood, self image, all these mental processes that should be ultimately in my control.

As I have been trying to catalogue and quantify the stresses in my life, I find myself over and over thinking "that's not really that bad", "in the long run that's not going to matter much" , or "but this good thing and this good thing really outweigh the negative there".

I guess what I'm thinking is that things can only stress me out if I let them. There are definitely some that are harder than others to just let go of, or find the good in. But overall, I think the quality of my life would greatly improve if I made more of a conscious effort to direct my thoughts in positive directions.

Have a good night, and enjoy your weekend!!

I'm trying...

Last time, I posted about diabetes.
I tried to give you some idea of what kind of balancing act it is, and how sometimes it can be really, really shitty trying to hold that thin balance between 'really dangerous and you could die right now' and 'uncomfortable now and will still kill you someday.'

And sometimes you just get really, really tired of balancing. So you say 'Fuck it' and go lay down on the uncomfortable side, because it is so much bigger, and easier, and less work.

But unfortunately, once you have taken that break in the land of discomfort and future death, it gets even harder to return to the balancing act, and then the wobbles get bigger and more difficult to control.

I have spent long enough resting on this bed of rocks, they are really pointy and beginning to leave dents in my spine. But I have to re-learn the balance, and remember to forgive myself when it is not perfect, and not overcorrect when the wobbles come.

Wish me luck.

Diabetes - it sucks.

I know there are many diseases in the world that are worse. Since Banting and Best discovered insulin (Go Canada!!) it is not a death sentence, but it is still a life sentence, and anyone battling chronic illness knows it can be exhausting and frustrating even when things are going well. And when they are not going well, it seems really unfair how easily the rest of the world (or so we perceive it) has it in their unmedicated, uncomplicated lives.

I also know that compared to many others who share the same disease, I have had a relatively easy time of it. I have type I diabetes - what used to be called juvenile diabetes, because so many with this type are first diagnosed when they are children - which means my pancreas does not produce any insulin. The only way to control it is by taking injections of insulin several times a day. Unlike most, I was not diagnosed until I was 20 years old and able to understand and treat the disease myself, and I was gifted with a childhood free of shots and pain and complications.

I have had two healthy children, without any of the major complications that are so much more prevalent in diabetic pregnancies.

I have now lived almost 15 years with this disease, and so far I have avoided any of the major complications which the disease tends to bring.

But at this point in time, there are therapies and no cures. The complications - including such things as blindness, nerve damage, amputation, heart disease, stroke, kidney failure, etc. - are not to be avoided entirely, but merely postponed. And after 15 years, it feels like I am coming to the end of the carefree invincibility I felt at the beginning of this journey.

I am not entirely blameless, either. When I was first diagnosed, this disease was new, and scary. The doctors gave me the rules for how to manage the disease, and I followed them religiously - because in my mind, if I didn't, I would die. There was a strict schedule - eat this, at this time, and take these shots, at these times. And it worked really well.

But real life does not always allow for clock-regimented meals and shots, so I learned some flexibility - how to adapt if lunch was late, or how to compensate for a slice of birthday cake for a special meal. I needed to learn these things to avoid life-threatening episodes of low blood sugar when food was going to be late, and adjust for uncomfortable but less-dangerous* episodes of high blood sugar if I ate more than the specified amount.

*Notice I said less dangerous, not un-dangerous. High blood sugar will not kill you immediately, but high blood sugar is a cumulative threat that over time will bring about all of the most unpleasant complications of diabetes.

Diabetes is a constant balancing act. When the body does not produce insulin, it cannot break down the sugar you eat to provide the energy your cells need to function. Diabetics take injections of insulin, but it is a guessing game to get the right amount. Too much will mean all of the sugar is used up too quickly. Too little will leave excess sugar behind.

Excess sugar hangs out in the blood, and gets in the way of a lot of important functions. It will slowly destroy small blood vessels, killing off nerves one by one, destroying sensation and in the eyes, sight. It helps out the plaque buildup that leads to heart disease and stroke. And it gets in the way of immune function, making you more susceptible to any germ you come in contact with. Unless it gets very, very high, high blood sugar has very few immediate effects other than increased thirst and urination as your kidneys try to filter and flush out the extra sugar - which, by the way, eventually causes kidney disease, too. If you bring the blood sugar back down, these symptoms disappear. But the effects of high blood sugar add up over time. So a few hours of high blood sugar won't do much. But a few hours day after day, year after year, will eventually add up to irreversible damage to a lot of important body parts.

But if there is too much insulin, then you get immediate bad consequences. Once the sugar has all been used up, there is nothing to power important cells that need constant energy - like your brain. You get shaky, and weak, and then stupid, then quickly lose consciousness and go into a coma. If no one is around, you can die right there. If you are very lucky, someone around you will figure things out and feed you sugar before you lose consciousness, or medical personnel will be available to get you IV sugar, hopefully before the coma is irreversible.

I have had a few episodes get to the stupid stage (not enough brain power left to feed myself sugar) and only a couple got far enough to require medical intervention. It is not an experience I want to repeat (for myself, or the people around me that I scared spitless!), so it should be pretty obvious why I make a lot of effort to stay away from that extreme.

But like I said it is a balancing act. Picture it as a road, with a very narrow but windy path - say, barely as wide as the width of your foot. On one side is a cliff that falls millions of stories to certain death. On the other are some really sharp, nasty rocks covered with dirt and germs and crap. Now walk this blindfolded. Obviously, you want to stay on the path, but if you have to step off, even if the rocks are gonna hurt, it's gotta be better than certain death.

If it was a straight road, it would be easier right? But that's the other fun (hear my sarcasm here) part about diabetes. Besides the fact that it can be very difficult to calculate the amount of sugar (carbohydrates) a given food contains, it's not just a direct relationship between the food you eat and the insulin you need. There are a million other factors that can bump it one way or another, and they are all invisible. More exercise usually lowers the amount of insulin needed. But then occasionally vigorous exercise can cause the body to excrete extra sugar it had stored in the liver. Alcohol? Can make the insulin work better than normal, or might just boost blood sugar because of the extra carbs it usually contains. Stress? Can cause sugar to either raise or lower. Illness? Can also cause problems, but you guessed it - may push the sugars either direction. Hormones? Insulin will work better or worse depending on a woman's time of the month.

It's complicated, and occasionally frustrating, depressing and infuriating. But I have no choice, so I have to keep playing even if the game is rigged.

That's enough of a lesson today class. I've probably bored to tears anyone who stumbled across this post. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Long time... no see.

Well, so I'm not such a comitted blogger, am I? Never promised to be, though.

Updates. Of the original fish, we still have the algae eater. He's (She's?) grown hella big, and seems to be thriving. Currently his (her?) only tankmate is a moonlight gourami, who apparently nibbled to death the bigger angelfish who had become the sole survivor of our previous fish... who I don't think was actually one of the original occupants of the tank, anyways. But I am proud to say that the average lifespan of a fish in that tank has to average at least 3 months. So take that fish nazi!!!

My son with the ADHD is still working to get the correct dosage of medication, but I am happy to report that he has responded extremely well to it, and does not appear to be zombified in any way, shape or form. He does seem to be very responsive to the medication, and we are cutting back to the lowest dose we can manage to try to avoid some minor sleep disruptions that have appeared. I think the lastest dose has worked very, very well, and hopefully will become permanent the next time we see his pediatrician in a couple of weeks.

My hubby still smokes. I am working very hard not to let that bother me, as I think I have to accept that I cannot control him, I can only control me. And I am the first to admit that I have issues of my own that I should work on. I have started mentally scripting a post several times about the fact that I am diabetic, but it keeps getting longer and more involved, and never quite makes it into print. But I am struggling for better control of my disease and my own health, and have taken some steps toward that goal. Hopefully I will post more about it later.

I know no one actually reads this, but just in case you found me, thanks for checking in.

Is that what that song really said?

I had an odd mental flash the other day, listening to the radio in the car.

It was Nickelback - and I love Nickelback - playing the song "Rockstar". The radio station did that thing where they fuzz out the lyrics when it gets to profanity. Words like f**k, s**t, and a** are muted, so you can't really hear them. Kind of dumb, really, because everyone still knows what the word is, and often it is the rhyme at the end of the line, so why bother?
But anyways, they blurred out all the words I expected, but I was singing along anyways. And then they got to the line "Hire eight bodyguards who love to beat up..." and I swear, up until that moment, I always sang the word "vassals" and thought that was it. But they blurred the word out, and it dawned on me like a bolt of lightning... lightbulb moment. They really sing "who like to beat up a**holes." And it makes so much more sense. Why didn't I think of that before? I felt really kind of stupid, but immediately began to make up this long involved explanation, because it was perfectly reasonable for me to assume the word was "vassals". Wasn't it?
Luckily, by the time I got to work, I realized that no one would really care, and it is kind of counter-productive to draw attention to my mistake if no one knew in the first place, and I already felt kind of stupid about it. But I still have this really strong urge to share the experience... which is why this is the perfect place to get it out. Because nobody reads this anyways.