Friday, May 13, 2011

What the hell am I doing?

Still around, still moving forward, one second at a time. There doesn't seem to be much of an alternative, although a particularly persistent form of tunnel-vision might make that alternative seem more attractive than it actually is.

I still often feel empty... pointless. I have so much of everything I ever wanted, but it just doesn't seem to make me happy anymore. And I feel guilty that I am not happy with everything I have been blessed with. And it is really hard to talk to anyone about this... even my husband, even my friends, even someone whose job is to listen to shit like this all the time.

It doesn't help that I am sick again. Just another cold - stuffy nose, scratchy throat, and tired because it interferes with my ability to sleep. But it is starting to feel like I am almost never feeling well, and that sucks too.

It's hard to search for answers, something that will bring meaning back into my life, when I can't find the energy to do much of anything. It's been months since I cleaned my bathroom, where the fuck am I going to find the energy to search out the answers to questions I'm not even sure I can ask?

Books and movies make it seem easy. In a well-crafted plot, this is the point where my months and years of ennui would be compressed into a few paragraphs or a beautifully-scored montage, and then something special would happen and the story would begin to flow again. If I sit here drifting aimlessly from website to website, do you think that will happen to me?

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