Wednesday, November 23, 2011
I am clinically depressed.
How much of each thought, each action, is the real me, and how much is the distortion of the depression?
I get so easily irritated, I am so quick to blow up. I give up on things so quickly... it's just not worth the effort. But would the real me - without the filters of depression - be irritated by this, or angry at that? Would the real me give up, or is it really something that should be pursued, something I should try to fix.
My husband came home from nightshift this morning. He was being sweet, trying to rub my shoulders. I was just irritated that he was in my way - couldn't he leave me alone until I finished what I was doing? But I have to question... reacting this way is not going to lead where I am trying to steer this marriage. Maybe the real me isn't irritated, maybe it's just the depression talking. Or maybe the real me just needed a few moments to finish what I was doing?
He left something on the counter. Should I complain? If I do, he will get defensive. If I don't, there is no way for him to know this bothers me. I don't have the time or energy for an argument... but this is another barrier between us. What would the real me do? What is the best answer to get me where I want to be?
Oh my god, for someone with so little spare energy I spend an awful lot of it fighting with myself. Fuck I hate this.
My kids were arguing tonight. I intervened once, but the argument flared again almost immediatedly. I intervened a second time, but they continued to bicker. I had no patience. I shouted, I sent them to bed early - more than half an hour before the regular bedtime. My youngest was very upset... disappointed that he lost his story. I already feel bad for shouting. I know that I am too crabby tonight, but I am also so tired, so worn out. I said goodnight anyways and left him feeling torn. Did I overreact? But backing up on a punishment is not a good precedent to set. And I did give them chances. But I still feel worse than before. I want to cry.
Fuck this is a shitty place to be. And I HATE that I can't even trust what's inside my own head.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
But hey, since no one is reading this anyways, it doesn't really matter - right??
So, in the past 3 months I have been diagnosed with Depression, refused to take medication for it, and begun both counselling and marital counselling sessions.
It is difficult... things in my marriage are improving, slightly, it seems maybe just because we are attending the counselling sessions. I don't know if anything actually IN the sessions is doing anything. Maybe it is just the idea that we are focussing harder on trying to make things work.
Part of the difficulty is me. The counsellor began the very first marriage session by telling us we had to figure out what we thought was wrong, and then identify what our partner could do to fix it. If no action that the partner takes can repair what is wrong, then it is not a problem with the other person, it is a problem with us.
So I begin to see that a lot of what I see as wrong with our marriage may be caused by, or complicated by, the things that are wrong inside my own head.
I don't feel the connection with him anymore, I wonder if I even know who he is anymore... but I have completely lost track of who I am inside.
I have difficulty trusting him, believing in his motivations for change... but right now I am having trouble trusting anything that goes on inside my head. If I can't decide what I believe about my own thoughts, what can he do to make me believe him?
How do I aim for a happy marriage if I can't figure out what happy looks like for me?
Depression is like the opposite of Amnesia. Amnesia takes the past away from you. You cannot remember what happened yesterday, last month, or last year. Depression takes away the future. You cannot envision what you want to happen tomorrow, next month, or next year.