Sunday, July 24, 2011

A question of honesty.

My marriage is being eroded by questions I am afraid to ask.

I've complained before about my husband and his smoking.

The smoking bothers me, but there is also the question of trust.

We have had fights, when I ask if he has smoked in the house. There are little things that make me think that maybe he has. He swears up and down that he hasn't.

Today, I saw an empty pack in the kitchen garbage. We were away all afternoon while he was home by himself. He says he only smokes in the garage. There is a giant garbage can right in the garage, beside the door into the house. Why would he walk all the way to the kitchen garbage to toss the empty pack??

But I realized today, that it serves no purpose to ask him. The problem comes because the question even occurs to me. He can say yes, he smoked in the house. Then I am left with the choice to make a big stink about it, or to ignore it. Neither one feels like a win to me.

But the other option is for him to say no, it was an accident, there was no smoking going on in the house. Then I either have to believe him and drop it, or disbelieve and start a fight. The problem is, if I have to ask the question then I have a reason to disbelieve him already.

And I also find that I have another question I want to ask him. Unfortunately, I find myself in the same kind of dilemma, and that scares the shit out of me.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I Don't Care.

I don't care.

It's hard to think of another sentence in the English language that is used as often, and almost never means what it semantically says.

More often it means "I don't want to care."; "I care too much."; or just "This hurts."

It is a defense mechanism. A blanket of distance enfolding a wound, containing painful truths. It means "I don't want to fight about this." Or maybe "I can't talk rationally about this because I am so emotionally invested right now."

I don't care because I want to shut down and not hurt anymore. I'm building a wall to keep the ugliness away from the world where it will splash out and create more ugliness.

But what do I do if the festering mess inside presses too hard against the barriers, oozes out of all the cracks. Maybe I need to walk away from everyone and everything and just be more alone.

I don't care.

Note: This post was originally written July 19. I saved it, not sure I should publish right then. Now?? I don't care. :P

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Me and Nicki

There is another woman in my husband's life. She was there before he met me, and I told him I wouldn't hold it against him. Maybe I lied.
But he married ME. Although he kept seeing her. He broke it off for a while, when my first child was born, but that didn't last long. And it drove me nuts to find him sneaking off to see her.
There have been other times he has given her up, but he never seems too serious about it.

Maybe it's me. I have certainly never been accused of being a sexy, addictive bitch like she is.

I can't win when I'm pitted against nicotine for his affection.

We went out for dinner tonight, just the two of us (three of us), and left the kids with a sitter. He can sit through a movie in the theatre without sneaking out to be with Nicki. But in the less than 90 minutes we spent at the restaurant, he had to leave twice for a moment with her.

I just can't compete.